my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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