oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
