My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just found a bag of teeth...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
