you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
