The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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