I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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