Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
