RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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