she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
