I heard we made out
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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