Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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