The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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