Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
