I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize