did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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