I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
