A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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