My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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