This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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