i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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