i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
