Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
