I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
