dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
