All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
