you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
