Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
