I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
