make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
