But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
