apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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