Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
