Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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