haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
