So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
