I feel great
I just peed on a car
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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