WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
sarcasm needs its own font
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize