I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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