Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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