Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
