I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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