Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
