Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize