never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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