I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
