maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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