I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
