After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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