my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
