Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
