so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
