I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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