so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
