I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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