Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
