The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
