toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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