I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
