So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize