Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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